||[28 Aug 2004|03:32am]
It's just after 3:30 this morning and I got home a little while ago. I'm sitting here in front of my computer eating gummi bears and listening to Coldplay, The Cure, The Beatles, and whoever else comes on. I was out with Tim, Kristin, and Ben. It was a typical night, we went to Friendly's and ate ice cream, watched American History X, then we walked Kris home. Gave her a hug, we walked back to Tim's, then I said my goodbyes to Tim and Ben. As soon as I turned around and went back to my car, I realized that this is where everything changes.
When I graduated, I didn't give a shit. Honestly I don't care if I ever see 99% of those people again, but the 1% I care about, I really fucking miss with all my heart. Tim, Ben, Kris, Kevin, Nicole, Kyle, those are the kids in my class that probably knew me best.
Even if I was only fortunate enough to know Kris for this past year, she thinks so much like me that it's unbelievable. I love her independence and envy her ability to stand up to anything. She's probably one of the coolest people I know, and is dating one of the coolest guys I know.
Tim just seems to be so out of touch, but it's because he's so in touch that he seems this way. He understands that most of the time the world is shit, yet manages to get past it in a second. It's amazing.
Ben is without a doubt the person I wish more than anyone else ever I could have spent more time with. Unfortunately, he had to be in Texas the past couple years. But when I'm with him, it doesn't matter that I haven't seen him for a year, we just keep on talking like we never stopped.
I'm fortunate enough to not have to say goodbye to Kevin and Kyle. They'll be right up there with me keeping me in check.
So yeah, for once I'm not looking forward as much as I'm looking back. College will be amazing, but I wish I could've had the great people along for the ride.
But regardless of what I'm losing, I'm also gaining plenty of things. The people I met at orientation, Kyle, Britt, Paul, Nicolette, Jean, Hunter, Chris, they'll all be up there. And then there's super cool people that I've just started talking to from there that I'm looking forward to meeting like Emily, Jaime and David (the latter 2 being my roomates). Then there are a bunch of others. It's just gonna be amazing. I should start packing soon.
So on Kris' myspace page she ranted against the punk scene. I loved it. It's how I feel about all the scenes in general. I can't say I've been part of this scene forever, only since 8th grade/Freshmen year did I really put a foot forward and step into this world. I think I caught it just before Hot Topic prostituted the entire scene and made it a trend.
Emo kids for example. I used to call myself emo. Kids that call themselves emo for 1) are whiny pussies who have shittier hair than me, ugly clothes, and consider themselves elitists. 2) they generally have no concept of emo. They will throw out names such as Dashboard Confessional, Taking Back Sunday, Thursday, The Juliana Theory, etc. Do I love those bands? Well, the last two, yes. But are they emo? God no. An artist that sings about an emotional subject with punk roots isn't immediately emo. Thursday - rock. The Juliana Theory - rock. DC - pop. TBS - pop punk. No emo. Seriously, don't talk about emo. I hate the word because it's so fucking broad. Just listen to music and get some pants that don't choke your balls. Your kids will thank you later unless you continue to force girls to dump you so you can cry about heartbreak.
Hardcore. I fucking hate hate hate hardcore kids. Why? They're assholes. Especially straight edge kids. Don't get me wrong, there's a few really cool edge kids, but they go and are anti drugs, anti drinking, anti sex, anti whatever else so they can see themselves as better than you. It's a cult. Apparently it's supposed to be so they're not sheep or something, so they have a clean life, but it's obviously to fit in. You say you do it so you don't drink, don't do drugs, don't have premiscuous sex? Fine. Don't do that stuff, it's as easy as that. Just don't go to city hall and change your name to xjerryx, put those ugly ass sleeves on your arms, cut your hair short and act like a dick to everyone who's not you. You're not special.
Punk. Fuck punk. Kris said it best, if you want to read something great, search out her myspace name. Plus, most punk sucks. But as she said, it was supposed to be about unity, but there's no unity. It's supposed to be about independence. There's plenty of independence with your double mohawk there Billy, just as independent as the 20 other guys with the same double mohawk, ripped jeans and Doc Martens.
Hot Topic. It's not part of the whole 'scene', but it sucks. As I already said, it whored the industry. It took an underground, independent, love for the music, anti commercial industry and turned it into the newest MTV fad. I can be happy to say I've never bought anything to help support that shitty place. Plus, they hire ugly kids with ugly piercings and ugly hair. It's like since NSync and then the nu-metal craze died, any kid can walk into Hot Topic, buy some band shirts, a couple wristbands, some dumbass looking pants (or if they want they can go to the Salvation Army or JC Penney for the tighest pants they can find), maybe get a couple gauged ears, and bam they're sooo scene.
I'm super happy with all my 'scene' music, just as happy as I am with my select variety of hip hop, country, jazz, classical, folk rock and etc. I guess I just love music too much to settle in any kind of group.
So anyway, back to New Hampshire. Most of the stuff I wrote is wack, but whatever. It's so weird that I got in these moods, I'll share a couple things with you. Just writings of whatever form.
ablaze becomes my fist as we unveil your broken cathedral. inside a search team discovers your eyes, your breath, your tepid values. ive traveled here on angels and plagues, and im taken aback at what i see. a lust ridden tomb, persistently beating out the sound of your seductive drum. greed infested halls tear apart my mind and those around me. escape is evidently a work in progress. this is the awakening of the rag doll slave who keeps you company. pry loose from my stigmatic grip and behold your many wonders. this hunger has been ignored, but refuses to let up. i see right through you. mirror my words. it makes no difference, you are perceived as the victor anyhow, and always will be for that matter. gracious arms, cradle my broken body and rip me to pieces in the same movement. regardless, some queens will never die, and you are my only one.
so yeah, then i sat down on a step by the lake and watched a spider spin its web. actually, there were two spiders busy at work, but i only focused on one. im so arachnaphobic, i didnt understand why i didnt immediate;y jump back at the sight of a spider. but when i watched it spin its web, i saw the beauty in it. it was like an artform that i could fully appreciate. it made me entire fall in love with the spider. i used to knock down spider webs without giving it as much as a thought, but now i see that its like smearing shit on the cieling of the sistine chapel. honestly, it was just poetry and it was amazing. god - this is how bored i am up here, im shitting myself over a spider.
honestly, i dont know anything anymore. my heads constantly spinning, and im just completely lost. suicide's always a thought of mine. i guess i should clarify that. id NEVER end my life, my gift, but i just like to loosely wonder about how that would ease things for me. of course im not a selfish fuck, and id think of other people's pain if it ever came down to where i wanted to commit suicede. aha. suicede. i cant spell.
god, thats a concept that just wont settle with me. in two weeks ill be in college. it will possibly be the best 5 years of my life. and then i cant imagine where this will put me 5 years from now. i have to face the real world, get a real job. id much rather just play music for a living, but that may not be the reality.
for some reason, the kindness of others saddens me. if someone shoots me a warm, genuine smile, as one girl did tonight, it just bothers me because i know that in the end, those are the people, we are the people who get FUCKED. its the lying hardass businessmen that get ahead. the nice, congenial person always gets shit on. its one of the side truths of life that always makes suicide feel so warm. still, suicide sucks and its not for me.
hold up, its almost 4:30 right now. i need to be up in a couple hours, so i need a LITTLE sleep. night, err, morning.